Sunday, 29 September 2013

Steps to Happiness.

Step 1: Love yourself.

Do you love yourself? I think I do. If you would've asked me a month ago, I would've said definitely yes, but now, I’m not so sure. This person I've become isn't happy or loved and if everyone doesn't love her, then maybe she’s the one who’s flawed. I love myself but it is not enough for everyone to love me and instead of thinking “their loss” I am worried about it. Maybe I don’t love myself all that much anymore.

Step 2: Believe that you’re enough.

I do believe that this is as much as I can change myself to fit your description and this ought to be enough but I can also see that this isn't enough. I’m stuck between the changed me and the real me and I know we shouldn't change ourselves for anyone but I did because when I was your mold of me and you noticed it, I felt special and important and it was all worth it. And that time, I felt like I wasn't changed, it was a part of me all along. But now I feel like I've changed into someone I don’t like for someone who still doesn't accept me and I just am not enough. Because if I were enough, I wouldn't be writing out this bull shit in the first place.

Step 3: Remember no one is worth the tears.

That is easier said than done. He may be a great person but he isn't worth it, not if he makes you cry. But you don’t know him. He is worth it and I’m worth it. I’m worth enough to cry about just because I don’t feel special or important. I’m crying for myself and for him, for making me not feel special.

Step 4: Don’t settle for better, best will come along.

In this book I read, ‘The perks of being a wallflower’, the protagonist once said that he would never tell his children that others have it worse. That particular line of thought stuck with me but I never really understood it till recently. So what if others have it worse. That doesn't mean I should settle for the better, that doesn't mean I shouldn't fight for the best. I should complain and crib till I get the best because I deserve it and so do they who have it worse, for that matter. I won’t settle for better, because the best will come along. But what if it doesn't? Because it’s already here. What if you have found the best but you just can’t have it.

Step 5: Remember what it is to be happy.

I am happy. The only snag is I’m depressed too. But believe it or not, I don’t mind being sad and wallowing in self pity. I just don’t want to be happy and laughing and rainbows and unicorns and dismiss this thing I’m going through as something trivial, because it isn't. When you stop feeling special and important and start feeling unloved and unwanted and left out, it is the beginning of something huge. And so I don’t want to be happy and dismiss this.

Step 6: Don’t cling to the negativity.

Don’t let the masochist inside you take over and don’t put yourself through all the crap in the world. Look for the desire to be happy. Don’t cling to the negativity; but I just can’t seem to let it go.

If you failed every single one of those steps as drastically as I did then I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have to go through this. And I know me saying this will feel like empty words but I do know what you’re going through and even if it’s just empty words, I’m going to say them nonetheless- I’m here for you.

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