Thursday, 27 October 2016

A Monologue from the Middle of the Night

“Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.” – A Cinderella Story. (Ori. by Babe Ruth)

I am afraid of failure. (Of course, who isn’t?)

But my situation is worse because I am guilty of not even trying. And if there is one truth I know, it’s that failing at something that matters so much; that you work hard on feels awful.  There are a lot of doubts and self-hate involved, and a humiliation that sticks like gum in your hair. You feel inadequate, like a fraud. Aren’t we all better off for not trying at all?

The answer to that is of course – No.  Objectively I recognise that but this knowledge makes no difference to my actions. I have always taken the safer path, except when I opted out of science to study English literature and creative writing. And now I am starting to bail. I haven’t written anything despite my brain being a swirl of ideas. I have two short stories that I could be working on but it feels unoriginal and uninspired. I can already imagine the discomfort my friends will feel as they try to assure me that they did like it (even though they didn’t).

And so I would rather watch T.V or clean my cupboard or sleep than actually do something productive. And that riddles me with shame and badly written monologues at 1 am in the night. I am not sure what the point of this is but I do know this – when a Hilary Duff and Chad Michael Murray movie is making a better point than you are, you need to re-evaluate yourself. And the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem, right? This is my admission.

Wednesday, 5 October 2016

On Traditions and Blogtober

I don’t like traditions. Traditions baffle me. They stem from such ancient history and yet so often we aren’t made to understand the significance of them. Traditions tell a story about a specific event in the past, but they also tell one side of the story. To do something without truly understanding its origins, in all its complexity seems unfair.

And then there is the matter of their relevance in the present day. Like everything from our past, they remind us of it. But do we actually learn from the past that traditions symbolise. And at what point in our evolution as a society do let go of it?

I’ll be honest, though, I don’t want society to lose its customs and cultures. They add a rich layer and yet I, as an individual, want as little to do with the traditional as possible. Why? Because it is a lot of work. There are strict rules that come attached and a right way of action. I don’t like that they aren’t personal or intimate and I really don’t like being told what to do.