Thursday, 27 October 2016

A Monologue from the Middle of the Night

“Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.” – A Cinderella Story. (Ori. by Babe Ruth)

I am afraid of failure. (Of course, who isn’t?)

But my situation is worse because I am guilty of not even trying. And if there is one truth I know, it’s that failing at something that matters so much; that you work hard on feels awful.  There are a lot of doubts and self-hate involved, and a humiliation that sticks like gum in your hair. You feel inadequate, like a fraud. Aren’t we all better off for not trying at all?

The answer to that is of course – No.  Objectively I recognise that but this knowledge makes no difference to my actions. I have always taken the safer path, except when I opted out of science to study English literature and creative writing. And now I am starting to bail. I haven’t written anything despite my brain being a swirl of ideas. I have two short stories that I could be working on but it feels unoriginal and uninspired. I can already imagine the discomfort my friends will feel as they try to assure me that they did like it (even though they didn’t).

And so I would rather watch T.V or clean my cupboard or sleep than actually do something productive. And that riddles me with shame and badly written monologues at 1 am in the night. I am not sure what the point of this is but I do know this – when a Hilary Duff and Chad Michael Murray movie is making a better point than you are, you need to re-evaluate yourself. And the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem, right? This is my admission.

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